Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet

Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol