Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
found this cool rock hiking today
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man