Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
You Might Also Like
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.