Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.