Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

You are what you delete.

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.