Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families