Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Cannot stop laughing at this

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.