me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
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Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.