Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
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Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”