Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?