Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

NASA has no chill

Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart

Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.