Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

cry laughing at this shit