Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”

Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you