Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
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Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I just stopped by to water my horse.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Go girl power!
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P