@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

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@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@brendohare

On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”

@AnOrangeSNES

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@TheBeerGuy73

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

@iamk1ts

Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.

@badbanana

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?