Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.


I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.



BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.


Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!


I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.


The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.


This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.