Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.


On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him “Have you heard of updog?”


HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling


*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler


Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.


Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys


[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…


~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see


Men: The Only creature blessed with the superpowers to make Any machine a smoke machine in kitchen especially when his wife isn’t home.


Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?