@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

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@CVTBaby

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

@juicymorsel

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

@misfarber

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

@tigersgoroooar

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

@HeyoShellz

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

@hazelmotes1

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES