me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re