me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?