me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
sigh
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th