GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
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Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC