Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

Alexa: *deep breath*

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

Look, a pure bread cat!

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants

I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet