Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

😂😂

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything