Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.