Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

It’s a gift

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.

I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.