ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Blew my mind.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today