Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.