Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman