Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

The Eggorcist

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

I can’t stop watching this.

Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!

Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.