me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
584.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?