Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape