Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

War & Peace

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

decorating my apartment

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown