Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.

dude it’s called proctologist

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

How I read news articles:

1. Read the headline

2. Go directly to the comment section

3. Have a meltdown