Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

The legends were true

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)Print

Printer)No

Me)PRINT

Printer)No

Me)PRINT!!!

Printer)Here’s 8,000

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.