Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

nature’s most graceful animal

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today