Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brands during Pride

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

reviewed some movies recently

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?