Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

they finally got him. they got macavity

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them