Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Dammit Chief not again
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*