Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
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Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
selena gomez
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters