Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
You Might Also Like
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me trying to “trust the process”
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you