Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?

ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*

PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food