Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes