Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
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has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
me and the Superbowl rn
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”