Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
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I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.