Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
you will never know the true number of layers
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.