Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
#Thanos #MondayMood
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
