Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
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[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
this is a sign that you need a union
I don’t think my car can fly
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”