Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Him: wanna go to your favorite place?

Me: Poundtown?!

H: I was thinking Target but—

M: no, no, your instincts were correct

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Me too

My dog after a walk in the woods.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

The Assassin.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*