Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Ken is short for chicken
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.