Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
operators are standing by to ignore your call
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
He a real one for that
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.