Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle