Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”