Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
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Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
This was the best day of my life
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.