Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
You Might Also Like
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“Wait, let me explain..”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes