Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo

Everyone else at laser tag: 😳

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.