@Proxic0n

Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.

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@maurajbg

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

@TheDrewRap

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.

@just1fool

Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.

@TheGoatTaco

My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober

~no country song ever.

@sixfootcandy

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*