*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
My girl stayed true and my dog didn’t die, I’m sober
~no country song ever.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*