Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway