I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this
ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.
Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.
Do people who are allergic to bee stings break out in hives?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?