Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
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Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.