Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Name another movie that mislead you?

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

🧠

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.