Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are