Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.

Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!

Australia: no need to, we’re good

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

The struggle is real

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.