Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Wife: We need to talk

Me, absolutely panicking: What

Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

File under excellent bookstore names.

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

I think this might be relevant today.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

The opposite of goth is stopth.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

very niche meme I made

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Me buying fruit and veg

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.