Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?

[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Owl Sanctuary

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly