Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.

If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.