Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me sliding into hell like

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Guy who likes music

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

😂 amazing answer

I love snow

– People who never shovel

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Don’t tell me who won the fight, my Netflix is still buffering.

Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.

This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.