ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.


BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night
SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility
CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I’m stuck in a tree


[if I worked at a mortuary] what would it take to get you into one of our caskets today


Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!


Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.


i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative


Parents: “Why don’t you come socialize with the family?” Me: *sits with family* *gets insulted by entire family* *goes back to bedroom*


I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!