ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From