Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Tonight: softball

Tomorrow: Advil

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.