Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

What’s so funny?

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me: