Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

just got my engagement photos

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.