Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

*nose hairs growing out of control

*buys tiny scissors

*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs