Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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The French cow says MEUX…
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
what could possibly go wrong?
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job